"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

this doesnt make sense at all nowadays. hey christ, your flood didnt work. the evil people are still around. what im trying to say is that i treat people fairly well, but they dont do the same for me.

just today, i went to ang mo kio central and i saw my library senior who graduated already. i said hi and asked her how did she do for her o levels. guess what? she just ignored me. what is this world coming to. i wouldnt mind if she didnt hear me but it could be clearly seen that she heard me.
though i know that at times i treat some people quite badly, i usually dont hope that they'll treat me well as well. thats too overbearing of me.
i got my friend to accompany me to the library. she agreed and i told her i have a meeting after school for a while. then when the meeting ended. i called her and she was checking the o level results. she told me to wait for her so i did, thinking it will be a five minute wait. at most, a ten minute one. but in the end, i waited for like thirty minutes?! and it was so awkward being in someone else's class and like everybody was staring at me.

when she arrived, finally after decades, we had this conversation:
X: so you REALLY want to go J8 arh?
Me: yeah.. if not fake one? bluff you for what?
X: oh.. so you want to stay back?
M: i said i want to go J8 so stay back for what?
X: hang out?
M: (thinking: what the?! is she like dumb or something? tell her want to go J8 and she treats the school like J8. dumb ass.) im going there to return my books. so if i stay back, whats the use of carrying all my heavy library books to school?!
X: oh. want to go yishun's? nearer to my house.
M: (thinking: why not go ang mo kio's? it's nearer to MY house.) i dont even know where it is.
X: oh.. i wanted to hang out in school.. like hang around.
M: i think i left something in class. i go take.

and i left and didnt return. saying that i had to help a teacher when she called me to find out where i am.
sometimes i know i'll be hurting somebody if she ever finds out. but does she know how hurt i felt? i helped her so many times. and went out with her though i had tons of homework. i helped her bring her books home at the end of the term, before the holidays, seeing how heavy they were. and i cared when she did badly. i encouraged her, or at least, that's the most i can do. i tried my best to do my hardest not only in my education but also my social life.

now my results are flunking like mad and i dont think i can achieve a ten for o levels. and does she look like they care? do they look like they care? i may look very happy-go-lucky and very heck-care attitude. but in fact, im screaming my lungs out and crying my heart out inside. you may think that i have no goals. i set my own goals and have high expectations of myself though i dont really work hard to it. not that i dont want, but im afraid. im afraid of failing, afraid of doing things wrong, afraid of disappointing myself. sometimes i get so frustrated that i cry and i'll just brush it off by saying that i can force myself to cry or that im very tired. but nobody can help. no, nobody wants to help. i know they wont be of much help but i will appreciate the thought.
but it appears that nobody's trying. i tried helping them but they did not do the same for me.

i have lived with the fact that nobody cares and that nobody bothers and i shall just leave myself to myself. and hope that i can work things out myself.